you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
