i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
We smell like vodka and hangover
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