Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I am midnight drunk by noon
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
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