my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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