Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
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