He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
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