I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Randomize
