Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
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