She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
