I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
