what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
