I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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