two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
sex in a hospital.. check
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
i think i just lost a toe
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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