So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
