If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
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