My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
So the hot 23 year old i went home with last night is really 17 and was here for orientation.. i feel like a pedifile...
In that case, you should probably come up to the union, orientation is in full swing, your kind of guys ;)
cunt.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
