i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
So many bounce houses so little time
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize