So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Randomize
