So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Randomize
