listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
