And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
