i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Randomize
