adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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