I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Randomize
