I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Randomize