The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Randomize
