i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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