i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
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