Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
