The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
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