Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
