I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
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