you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Randomize
