I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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