I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
