Your mouth is God's brothel.
using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
