My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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