just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
