piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Randomize
