The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
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