All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
