You're my little dorito
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
