You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
