k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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