there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
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