Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Randomize
