break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Randomize
