Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
