Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
