I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
