Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
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