I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
