Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize