MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
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