Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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